A Big Fat Bummer:(

For journaling purposes I am going to put this in. June 7 was the worst day of my life. I was heading to my 12 week appointment for what we thought was Baby Bias #2. Now lets back track......at the end March we found out that after 10 long months waiting we were finally pregnant again. We were so excited that it finally worked and we were going to get to have another baby. After trying so long we thought it was so funny that this baby had almost the exact same due date as Seth's due date (Seth-dec. 16 baby- dec.19) So we thought to ourselves I guess we are only fertile in March. But at this point we were just so excited to be having another baby we didn't care that we were going to have another Christmas baby. Everything seemed to be going fine....I got super sick... Maybe sicker than I did with Seth. I was throwing up all over the place it was just awful. I was so sick and felt like I wanted to die everyday. We thought since I was sick that everything was fine...we didn't have any other reason to believe anything else. Back to June 7. I was heading to my 12 week appointment thinking everything was great. I was excited after being so sick to have made it to the first trimester point and hopefully I would start to feel better within the next couple weeks. I took Seth to this appointment because Ryan was out of town and the appointment was 8am and I didn't want to bother any of my friends that early to watch him. I was excited for this appointment because it was the first heartbeat appointment. Seth was being such a good boy and making all the nurses laugh because he was wearing his orange hard hat that he insisted on wearing. We went into the room and the doctor came in and started to do the ultrasound. I could tell that he was having a hard time finding it so I said jokingly, "Is it in there?" He said "Yeah it's in there.......the problem is it is the same size it was the last time you were here." He then flips on the light and shuts the door. The rest is a blur.....I was crying and Seth just kept asking.."Okay Mommy?? Okay Mommy??" and the Doctor just kept telling him that mommy just needs lots of love and hugs. It is just something that you never think is going to happen to you. You hear of it happening all the time, but it is just something that totally rocks your world, and slaps you into reality. I had what is called a Missed Miscarriage. Where your body thinks everything is fine and is producing the hormones and everything, but it hasn't yet realized that baby isn't on board anymore. Hence why I was so sick still even though the baby was dead. I had an appointment at 8 weeks and saw the heart beating and everything looked fine, but shortly after that the baby must have died, and I went another 4 weeks thinking everything was good. I didn't have any bleeding or cramping at all. I know a miscarriage is hard for anyone, but it was super crappy that I went almost 3 months thinking we were going to have a baby.. not just a few weeks. All the plans that were made and excitement and all the suffering was for nothing. It is something that just leaves you thinking....Now what? After the Dr. appointment I had to go to the hospital to get another ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage. I want to thank my friend Janae for sitting with me for ever in the waiting room and talking to me, helping me to get my mind off of what had happened. I remember at one point as I was getting up from the ultrasound I looked back at the screen and saw the tiny blob on the screen I remember thinking.."Baby you have no idea how much I wanted to be your mom." I seriously want to thank my friends for helping me out at that time because with Ryan gone I needed people around to just be there for me. And they definitely were. Thank you! It is just funny (not really funny but you know what i mean) how things work out. I know that there is a plan for us and our plans may not align with Heavenly Father's plan. I know everything will work out for the best. But, there is a plan and I am just along for the ride :)

I will spare you the details of what I had to deal with by having to take medicine to pass the fetus. which was just awful and horrible. But the best part of it was (if there is a good thing) after I passed fetus I almost immediately felt better. It was like the nausea and fatigue fog that had taken me prisoner was lifted and I felt amazing. That part was good. Anyways I just thought I should write this down and let anyone know that didn't know and so that some of my other blog posts would make sense.